naming a puppy is more complicated than i remember and other observations

does she look like a Caroline to you?

hi! my name is _________!

Some people fit into their names so perfectly that any other name would have certainly produced a different person. One of these people is Amy, BFF since middle school. Amy was supposed to be named Caroline. Her parents decided this long before she was born. But then they met her and realized that she wasn't a Caroline, she was an Amy.

Amy is the Amiest Amy I know. I love the name Caroline, but it doesn't suit Amy.Would "Caroline" have Amy's same robust fits of laughter that make the walls vibrate? Would "Caroline" react to shattering a wine glass by falling out of her chair in such a fit, landing on shards of the broken glass in the process? Most importantly, would "Caroline" not get up right away? No, no, and no. But Amy would. :)

Our 7-week-old Labradoodle needs a name. We refer to her as "Unnamed Dog" for now, but not to her face because she has to stay with her labramom until later this week. We've narrowed the slate down to between two and 14 names depending the time of day. I have placed exorbitant weight on this decision in order to ensure the most complicated and drawn-out process possible.

My philosophy of dog names is similar to my philosophy of human names, which is that people usually become their name. My childhood dog came to us as "Clancy." Clancy is a 78-year-old man who drinks straight up scotch and wears a velvet smoking jacket. What Clancy is not is a five-pound girl puppy. So she became Maggie and we all lived together happily ever after until 2004.

To name a dog Fifi or Toodles or Fluffy is to pave a path to diamond-crusted leashes, dog salons called "Paw-parazzi," and rapidly decreasing street cred. To name a dog Butch or Skid Row or Grizzly is to sentence yourself to 12-14 years of evil glares from parents as they usher their horrified offspring away from you and your spike-collared beast. And to name a dog Fred or Maude is to guarantee a dog who sleeps 22 hours a day and eats ground sausage out of the trash.

Also frowned upon is giving your dog the same name as a relative (living or deceased), a friend, a friend's child, a past pet, an ex, or an acquaintance from your past or present who left an impression on you that's anything less than perfect. You can also rule out names similar to one you might one day consider giving an  actual human child. For example, is your dog's name Polly? Sorry, no daughters named Molly.

But all is OK, because I feel an epiphany coming on any minute now. Meanwhile, who cares because do you see this face?

Make up your minds, people.