how to take one-half of a road trip

Wake up at 6:02 A.M. Shower. Forecast the next 13-to-15 hours in head. Note in forecast prominent role played by Allsups, truck stop restrooms and beef jerky. Question logic of decision to shower.

Locate frou-frou Christmas gift yoga pants. Decide to dress for comfort. (Keep frou-frou yoga pants on for the next 48 hours.) Run around in frantic stupor fetching and re-fetching items you forgot to pack last night.

"Leave." Encounter unforeseen dilemma while backing U-Haul truck out of relatively compact driveway. Actually leave nine minutes later. Announce what a long day it's been before reaching end of alley.

Drive all of seven minutes. Stop to purchase two honey butter chicken biscuits from Whataburger. Discuss with driver whether or not Whataburger is better than Chick-Fil-A. Mentally will someone, anyone, to open a Whataburger in San Diego.

Stare out window. Resist temptation to take out Texas Monthly until Abilene. Remind self that you are still three hours from Abilene. Take out Texas Monthly.

Read issue cover-to-cover before Weatherford. Stare out window. Wonder how long it would take to ride a tandem bike from Dallas to San Diego. See on Facebook that childhood friend converted to Buddhism. Google Buddhism on iPhone. Read about Buddhism for the next 45 minutes.

Compulsively change radio stations every five miles. Make mental note to renew Sirius subscription. In anticipation of driving through Abilene, learn everything there is to know about Abilene on Wikimobile. Conclude that "all there is to know" isn't very much. Tell driver that Abilene's population is a bit higher than you thought. Wonder when you were last in Abilene. Realize you were there last March. Stare out window. Miss Abilene.

Drive through Buffalo Gap. Note that there are a lot of pictures of bison in Buffalo Gap. Decide that this should in no way come as a surprise.

Buffalo Gap, TX

Pass road sign that says, "Colorado City: 6." Immediately associate Colorado City with polygamist cult scandal from several years back. Loudly proclaim that there must be a cult compound nearby. Envision exciting real-life "Big Love" detour. Google Colorado City. Discover polygamist cult scandal actually took place in Colorado City, Arizona. Sink into seat in defeatist fashion.

Stop for gas at Skinny's Convenience Store in Colorado City. Decide owner is probably skinny.

Enter first stall in womens restroom of Skinny's. See ladies wallet lying on tin disposal. Inspect wallet using makeshift toilet paper glove. Find credit cards and a driver's license and a Nordstrom gift card and other items people do not typically leave behind in a gas station bathroom on purpose. Internally debate the proper etiquette to follow finding an abandoned wallet in the bathroom of a West Texas gas station. Confirm with cashier that no one is missing a wallet. Tell self you would not want your wallet left at Skinny's. Leave Skinny's with a Red Bull, a wallet that isn't yours, and plenty of ambivalent feelings.

Declare new mission in life to locate and contact rightful owner of wallet. Spend next 45 minutes stalking this person on your iPhone. Find out she's a 4th grade teacher in Plano and the mother of twins, a boy and a girl. Question how humans survived before the internet. Leave message on owner's school voice mail detailing plans to FedEx wallet to address on driver's license. Realize teachers are on vacation for another two weeks. Hang up feeling more creepy than helpful.

Hit Big Spring. Leave Big Spring. Enter chunk of Texas so remote you won't pick up an AM radio signal until El Paso. Count oil wells. Pound Red Bull.

See this:

West Texas

And this:

Even Wester Texas

And this:

And this:

Just kidding.

Wonder if survival until Las Cruces, NM, your stopping point for the night, is possible without food. Calculate how many hours since you and driver last ate (save for a few bites of beef jerky six hours ago.) Conclude 12. Drive drive drive. Note that it's getting dark. Very, very dark. Remark to driver how easy it would be to hide yours or anyone's bodies so that they would never be found. Decide preemptively that your New Year's resolution is to make fewer morbid statements.

Drive more. Research Ciudad Juarez drug wars going on a few miles away. Cease research once you realize reading articles about anarchy and mass slayings doesn't lend itself to making non-morbid statements. Reach El Paso. Leave El Paso. Enter New Mexico 14 hours after you left Dallas. Find out you are less than one hour from Las Cruces. Become flooded with renewed determination and hope.

Arrive at Las Cruces hotel 15 hours after you left Dallas. Eat guacamole. Drink margaritas. Sleep better than you have in months. Repeat the next morning.